whoah-ohhhh, ohhh ohhh.... i'm still alive

i heart pearl jam. ok, hello my blog friends. thank you for all the kind words of encouragement. oh, and for the suggestion to go on a bender. hehe. i wasn't in mourning, or anything....... it was just a bit of a shock, and i was numb for a few days. now, i'm just pissed. i am not one to speak ill of someone that i have genuinely cared about.... but...... there are exceptions to the rules, right? :) other than the fact that he TOTALLY did me wrong by decieving me for months - telling me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and then just up and leaving without a word ....... that sorry sack of sh*t wasn't a decent enough human being to even thank my family for putting a roof over his head, feeding him, and helping him in any way they could. the only thing he told my mom were lies, and on top of THAT he STILL never said thank you. so, good riddance. i'm thinking i should send him an invoice of what he owes me for his nice little "vacation" he had in Oklahoma. pppffccct! i'm almost glad (for him) that we don't know where he is. my daddy would shoot him. literally. dear ol' dad doesn't speak bad of people, but he told me the other day what he really thought about bob and what he did. let's just say it wasn't good. just a few of the adjectives used were: loser, slacker, cowardly, disrespectful, and arrogant bastard. whew. so, after the shock has worn off a bit and i am not blinded by feelings of love, i see things a bit more clearly. i thank God that he showed his true character before we were married and/or had any children. good bye and good riddance. in other news, remember the lunch i had with first love's sister when i found out he was having a baby? yeah, here's some good drama for ya. Ok, long story short --- i called him (we'll dub him george) on friday and left a message on his voicemail. message said basically, "i know about the pregnancy, i'm sorry, i love you, and i'm praying for you." he called back while i was at work that night, and left a message saying that he was glad that i called, sorry that this happened, and if i wanted to know the story behind it to call him. so, of course, i did call. long story short, i went over to his apt that night, and instead of me hearing the story and saying goodbye, we ended up talking ourselves back into thinking we can make it work. now, things are a big freaking mess, and i'm not exactly sure what to do about it. he needs a commitment from me that i'll be there no matter what happens during this time, and i am not sure i can do that. my parents will FREAK out, etc. i mean, there are so many bad things about it, but so many good, too. oh my gosh. Oh, I forgot to tell you this..... She got pregnant on purpose and without letting george know. AAAAAAAND she didn't tell him until she was almost 3 months along, so there was no option to terminate the pregnancy. (not that they would have, but the option was not there.) All of his friends call her "the bear trap." Hehe. i think that's funny. the name - not the situation. i do not understand why girls think it's EVER a good idea to just "get pregnant" without consulting the would-be father of the child. what good can possibly come from it? I don't know if that's enough information for you to give any advice on.... not that i'm asking you to decide what's best for me.... but it would be nice to have some outside opinions. my mind is cloudy and i feel like i'm wound tightly in a blaket of confusion. some important things about george and i to factor in: this has been an on and off thing since 1994. yeah, i know. it's ridiculous. he is the reason i've been the happiest in my life, and also the reason i have been the saddest. we have tried many times to get back together, and whether it's him or me... one of us always screws it up. i love him enough to die for him and vice versa this short list doesn't do the "story of us" justice, but you get the idea. anyway, any thoughts on this crazy situation? SHEESH -- didn't ya miss me?!? :-)~