the end, the beginning

the last day of 2004, and here i am... one of the only people in the nation at work. (i am off on monday rather than today for the holiday.) this morning on my way to work, i began to reflect on the past year. there was barely any traffic on the road. i didn't have my stereo on, but i had my windows cracked so that the humming of the road created my music. thirty minutes surely isn't enough time to reflect on an entire year, but it was enough time to hit the major things. i try to always remember how blessed i am and to be truly thankful and grateful for that..... so let me start with the good things! i avoided hospital stays and any major illnesses, i bought a new vehicle, i got a raise at work, i got involved in church again, and i met several great new people. these are all great things, but i had a rough year in the relationship department. if you've been reading for a while, i'm sure you know a little bit about the heartaches and disappointments i went through. no need to rehash, so i'll just say it was not fun. someone brought to my attention via comments that i write a lot about men and finding 'the one'..... yeah, i do. but it's because it is important to me. i have all i need - i don't think i need someone to "complete me." but i don't date just to date anymore.... i am waiting for the one i'll spend my life with. i want that! thankfully, i did not end up with anyone i dated this past year because looking back -- none of them were right for me. hindsight really is 20/20. i'm smarter and wiser because of the time i spent with each one, so it is not all in vain.

i am confident that 2005 will bring new adventures. i am planning on relocating come summer time, and that will inevitibly bring new people, new friends, and yes -- new men. :) maybe, just maybe this will be my year. i leave you with the beautiful lyrics of india.arie. happy friday, and happy new year!

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
'Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow
YeahI wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between Arie and nowhere
I wanna go to a place time has no consequences, oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful

understand that it's not that I don't care
But right now these wall are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe, I can breathe
I wanna go to a place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Somewhere between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful

Beautiful.

busy busy

happy tuesday. i am so tired today. picked up the wife from the airport last night, had dinner while watching the OU/TU (basketball) game, and had a few cocktails. thought it would be a good idea to pop in a movie when we got home, and i was up until almost 2am. that is too late on a school night. anyway, i didn't get a chance to update anything yesterday afternoon. things will hopefully slow down in a month or two, but right now is the busiest part of the year for me. ugh. so christmas was good. it generally is for me, though. i am blessed to have a really great family, i don't have to travel at all, and i get a few days off of work. one of my favorite things about christmas is that everyone comes back home. i get to see friends i haven't seen in ages like Austin. (yes, his head is really that big. he is 6'6 and about 240lbs.) he is from here, but went off to law school at emery after college and now lives in houston, tx. he is generally in town for all major holidays, so we always make it a point to see each other. his voice is loud and he's really smart and i just love him to pieces. the wife and he do NOT like each other, so when we meet up she is not around. Podie really likes him though. and i love that picture of us. i love it when clocks are in the background. what's great about that one, is that you don't see what happens in an hour. she was so intoxicated i had to take her home at 11, get her into her pj's, take out her contacts, get her in bed, and then i headed back up to the bar to get back to QT with austin. good times. anyway, monday night i got to meet some of the people in the blog ring. we had dinner together, and it was really great to actually meet them in person! here is a group shot. here is one of ninsi and i. yes, we now both have red hair, and yes... we are just that cute. here is one i took of sleepwalker and her beau. see, she really is sleepwalking. lol. so, those are the highlights. i know there's more, but i must get back to work.

back

well, i'm back to work. holidays were good.... saw lots of friends and family, at lots of food, and saw a few movies. had lunch with ninsi, phlome, sleepwalker and zero last night.... way fun to meet them in person! i have pictures to share, but need to upload them. will get on that after i get some of this work business out of the way. i've decided that next year, wherever i may be .... i am taking the week after christmas off. it would be a great time to have a vacation, me thinks.

more later.

SNOW!

just in time for christmas..... i woke up this morning and there was snow on the ground! granted, it's not MUCH snow, but it's snow still yet. makes it feel a little more like christmas around here. it was 66* just 2 days ago, and i was not feelin' the christmas spirit!

so anyway, thanks for your thoughts on the ol' boy situation. i feel a lot better just being able to talk about it. me thinks i won't need to fret about it. a truth i learned years ago -- everything works out as it should.

speaking of truths ..... i watched 'closer' this weekend and thouroughly enjoyed it. it got mixed reviews, but wow -- what a great movie. to enjoy it, you have to have experienced some hard-core relationships, so i recommend it only to those over the age of 25 or so. there were some teenagers behind us, and i don't think they really got the movie at all. anyway, there is a line natalie portmans character says when asked to tell something honest. she replies, "lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes." hmmm. i don't so much agree with that, but it did get me thinking. there are a lot of people out there that lie on a daily basis. some, that have lied so much - they start believing those lies as truth. why is it we feel the need to lie about things - much less ourselves. has society become so obsessed with perfection, or how people are "supposed to be" that we feel we must meet a certain status? i know people who lie so much, you can't distinguish the truth when they're talking. i know those that don't really lie, but exaggerate the truth so much that it becomes distorted. don't get me wrong -- i've lied a thousand times. especially when i was younger, and often when i was out. i've given out false names, false ages, false occupations, etc.... but that was all fun and games, really. i never expected to see half of those people again, so why not have a little fun? usually, lies sound so much more enticing than the truth. one time, i met a guy out and thought it would be fun to throuw in an english accent. i had never seen him before, and thought i'd never see him again - so it was extremely fun (and entertaining to my friends) to speak this way to him. of course, when i decide to do this -- i pick the guy in the bar that i would see around town for the next few months. to preserve my dignity, i would always have to remember to speak in that silly accent when i ran into him. eesh - what a pain in the arss. one night, i was a bit too intoxicated to care .. and when he came over to say hello - i revealed the truth. thankfully, he laughed ... but geeze i learned my lesson. now, i always tell the truth, as boring as it may seem. when i was in the 3rd grade, my teacher had a sign up in her room that read "you never have to remember the truth." i didn't really get it back then, but oh how true that is. once you start lying, you have to remember what you told so-and-so and it just becomes a big ol' mess.

yeah, not sure why i just went off about that.

anyway, happy wednesday!

flowers!

i just got these. aren't they gorgeous?

yup, they're from him. :)

mum's the word ... sorta

4 days til christmas, just in case you needed any more reminders.

i ran across this story yesterday, and though it's not exactly my situation -- i feel her pain. lemme essplain......

i started blogging six months ago. after reading blogs for a few months, i thought this would be a great way to keep in touch with friends who were far away (and even make new ones!) and also a wonderful outlet for me to write about things i couldn't exactly talk about. i have kept in touch with friends, made several new ones, and have been able to share a few things that i wouldn't normally share with people. HOWEVER, now i'm struggling with a situation and i want to share it with you but i can't. why? because the person it involes reads this blog. (hi!) because you probably know of this person. because it brings it to a personal level that i'm not comfortable with. i could blog about former loves -- because they don't read. because i could blog about my feelings and struggles and no one had any connection to them. no taking sides, etc.

but you know, this is one of the reasons i started blogging in the first place... so screw it. i'll just leave names out. wanna hear the story? i'll keep it short and sweet -- here it goes:

met boy through blogging
we talk everyday for months via IM
we exchange numbers
we text message and/or call daily
we find out more about each other than couples do in a lifetime
we decide to meet
we freak out a little bit about meeting
we are anxious
we meet
he stays 4 days
we have a great time
4 days is a lot of someone when you're used to being alone, but 4 days is not enough time to decide if he is my lobster
red is a bit overwhelmed with it all
red finds out she's a lot more guarded than she thinks she is
boy says he's an all or nothing guy
given the miles between us, among other things - red can't give ALL
red doesn't want to give nothing.
boy doesn't want to ride things out and see what time brings
red is confused and feeling pressured
red really has no idea how to deal with the situation
she wants to visit a few more times, and have more than 4 days of face time
boy suggests they slow things down, or stop completely until red feels she is able to give 100%
red has no idea how she'll be ready to give 100% if it's not a progressive relationship


and that's the short edited version. i am confused and have no idea what's best. i think any relationship needs time, and even if you think you know you want to spend time with a person - time is the only true test in my eyes. we've all been with people and felt completely different about them after investing some time into the relationship. i do not want to say, "yes, i want to be with you" and risk having to take those words back later.... yet, i don't want him to go away. i realize that this is all a bit dramatic, and believe me --- i am not a drama queen. i hate this, and wish it were easier. but you know -- this sort of thing is a bit different than dating someone who lives down the street. there are A LOT of miles that seperate us, therefore -- our decisions come sooner and are a bit more imperative than a "normal" dating relationship.

anyway, there you have it. i feel better. whew.

happy tuesday

COMMENT

i was looking at my stats this morning, and there are so many people that come through here and don't leave comments. not that i write for other people, but if you come here and read about my life -- leave a comment. i like them. ok, that's all i have to say about that. now, about the weekend! ah, the weekend before christmas. everyone was out and about, and i was part of that crowd. friday night, i helped my mother get ready for our family christmas celebration. after i finally finished helping her, i had dinner with a friend of mine, and THEN went to a little bar/restaraunt and met BUNNY! how fun to meet my blog friends in person. i wish we would've had more time together, but the little bit we did have - we had a great time! saturday was the family get together, and the best part about it was watching the kids. as you can see, we had a pouter in the group for a little while. when i asked him to show me his muscles , he brightened up a little bit. i didn't know we had muscles on our elbows... but hey, whatever. this one wasn't too exciting, as he's only 1 month old.... but he sure was fun to hold and kiss on. this one is our prissy pants girl, and she found all sorts of uses for the scarf i got her mother. after the purple hair, she wanted to play photographer. as you can see, i was a bit nervous about the 5 year old with my digital camera. eesh. my sister and i stayed at the house all evening and played party favorites like catchphrase and chess. me, not so much on the chess... but it was being played. lol. all in all, it was rather painless and we'll do it again next year. everyone stayed late, and i missed my voluntary christmas party. that is the only bummer of the weekend. boo hoo. yesterday, i got conned into singing at my parent's church, since my dad was sick and couldn't. it was actually kinda fun, because i haven't been up in front of anyone singing in a few months. i saw people i hadn't seen in a really long time, and then spent the rest of the afternoon shopping. w00t! i think i'm finally all finished. anyway, blah blah. happy monday, hope your week is fabulous!

TGIF

so, i wish i had a plethora of entertaining stories for you...... but, i got nothin'. went christmas shopping last night and committed the ultimate sin during christmas time and went to the mall. ee-gads there were people everywhere! the last stop of the night was at bath&body works and i ended up buying more for myself than i did for anyone.... that is SO not the christmas spirit, but hey .... i needed some stuff. burt's beeswax has signed a contract with them, and the stuff was showcased at the front of the store. i love the lip balm, so i bought a starter kit. inside was a "tinted" lip gloss. tinted, my ass. i put it on in the car, let my sister try some, and when we got out to make a quick stop at walmart -- our lips were ORANGE. yikes! orange hair - orange lipstick= not pretty. it was after eleven, so i figured we could just run in, grab our things, and sneak out. stupid, stupid me. we saw 3 people i knew, and hadn't seen in a long time.... and here i look like trailer trash trisha with my orange lipstick. ahhhh, good times. so, this weekend. i will finish up last minute christmas shopping, attend a mandatory family christmas gathering, attend a voluntary christmas party, and be a little bit sad that i'm not closer to a certain someone. happy friday!

i'm such a cheater

copied shamelessly from bunny: Three names you go by: Red, Fire, Ninny Three screennames you have: wild_red_head, jfire22, redonthehead22 Three things you like about yourself: sense of humor, ability to forgive easily, see the best in people Three things you hate/dislike about yourself: indecisive, procrastinator, my middle name Three parts of your heritage: Indian, Irish, Scottish Three things that scare you: spiders, sea creatures, the dark Three of your everyday essentials: make-up, floss, cell phone Three things you are wearing right now: my kick ass new boots, very sexy perfume, gray cuffed boy slacks Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment): jill scott dave matthews' old stuff counting crows Three of your favorite songs at present*: figured you out - nickelback (yes, i'm still rocking that one) feels like home - chantal kreviazuk no place like home for the holidays -perry como (lol - i've been listening to a lot of christmas music!) Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months: skydiving a new occupation alternative medicine Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given): trust, balance, and a lot of laughing Two truths and a lie: there's such a thing as too much of something you will never be given more than you can handle i am a virgin Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you*: good teeth, arms, and that muscle on the hips of a man Three things you just can't do: eat seafood (unless it's sushi) be graceful wear hot pink Three of your favorite hobbies: singing reading shopping Three things you want to do really badly right now: Take a serious nap,move, and be able to hug one person in particular Three careers you're considering: massage therapy entertainment (singing) anything else NOT including corporate america Three places you want to go on vacation: spain london anywhere tropical Three kids names: Avery olivia joshua Three things you want to do before you die: My list is much longer than three things, but: have sex on a beach skydive learn sign language

random truths about me

i don't like mornings i love fair food i eat with my left hand, but am right-handed i am 5'11 i am brutally honest it takes a lot to offend me, but don't mess with my friends or family i would have sex with angelina jolie, but i am straight most of the time when i want something badly, i don't want it anymore once it's mine i like marching bands i have slept with more people than i ever planned on i know the words to most of the songs on disney cartoons at least once a day, i wish my boobs were bigger i like to cry i like grapes, but not grape flavored things. i prefer to write, rather than type i like older men i cannot spend a lot of time with any one person without getting completely irritated... even if they are doing nothing irritating i curse more than i think i should i believe when i meet 'the one' i will know it intstantly i am afraid of the dark i am thinking of going to school for massage therapy b/c i hate corporate america i am happy 98% of the time, however: i have horrible PMS and have seriously considered strangling someone during these moments i wish on stars and at 11:11 i have VERY diverse taste in music 4th of July is my favorite holiday most people refer to me by nicknames i believe in God i sleep when i'm bored i say i'm spontaneous, but i am more a creature of habit i like to talk to strangers i ballroom dance i love beer my system at work is back up, so i have to stop this nonsense

obligatory post

i am posting, as to not get thrown out of the webring by the Almighty Phlome. i am here. i had a great little vacation. i am really busy. will update hopefully this afternoon.

19 days 'til Christmas

i spent about 4 hours shopping on saturday.... and i still don't have my christmas shopping finished. you know why? because most of the shopping i did was for myself. that's the christmas spirit, eh? i got a few stocking stuffer things for a few people, but nothing that would be considered a "real" gift. oh well. i got some GREAT things for me, myself, and i. :) i bought some new flavors at victoria's secret.... AND they were giving a free gift to purchases over $50. i bought 3 extra things just so i could have the free gift. I HEART FREE GIFTS. i will spend an extra $100 just to get them. i am such a sucker. the rest of the weekend was spent wrapping 5 lb boxes of russell stover chocolates. this takes will power, people. i was hungry, AND i'm PMSing.... so, some chocolate sounded pretty darned good. my sister's company packages these presents for their customers, and there were 120 packages to wrap. and not just wrap.... we have to make them all fancy, so there's a lot of hot glue, ribbons, holly berries, and pine cones involved. anyway, i stuck it out, and just ended up crying all evening watching the made-for-tv movie, "the 5 people you meet in heaven." good Lord, did anyone see this? it was on ABC last night, and now i am going to read the book. the movie was excellent, so i am sure the book will be 500% better. this is a short week for me. i am leaving at noon wednesday, and will be off on thursday and friday. i might have a lot to report come next week, but only time will tell. happy monday!

pick up lines

i'm totally cheating today, and posting one of my favorite emails to date. some are way too corny, some are pretty cute. got any more to add to the list? 1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day. 2. Nice legs...what time do they open? 3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one? 8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. 11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag. 12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 15. Are those real? 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. 19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself. 20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. 21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 2 2. Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck? 23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. 24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later. 25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? 26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. 27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute. 28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. 32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza? 33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me. 34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I??? 35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them. 36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

food

mmmmm, banana bread. pumpkin bread. blueberry muffins. all homemade. there has been a space vacant on the lower level of this building for quite sometime now. i've noticed the past couple of weeks that there has been some construction and such to prepare for a new office. had no idea it was going to be a little eatery. these people moved to tulsa, of all places, to retire and just do this to keep them busy. everything is dirt cheap, and she bakes it all fresh every morning. O.M.G., it's good. because it's so good, i have stopped by the last 4 mornings and bought something for breakfast. today, i had the pumpkin bread. holy mother of God, it's so good. this new eatery is either a gift from God, or just another ploy by satan himself to make me gain even MORE weight this holiday season..... i haven't decided yet. happy thursday.

numero uno

we al know the slight addiction i have with DOOCE. i read her site even when i don't have time to breathe around here. anyway, she posts a picture every day and leaves the comments open (she does not have comments on her posts.) so, it's been made a big deal to be "first" to comment. there are generally 100-500 comments, so i guess the big number one is a coveted spot. anyway, i checked her site around 9am my time ... and guess what.... I am the first commenter. yep, i rule. anyway, this morning was the first morning i had to actually wait for my vehicle to thaw out. i know i shouldn't complain about the weather because there are several places in the US that are covered with snow right now.... but DAMN, GINA - it's cold here to me. thermostat reads 28* right now, and yes.... the freaking wind is still blowing. i think that's the worst thing about it. the cold i could handle, but the wind is just blistering! i work with a gal from colorado, and even she says it's way worse here. so see? SEE?? it's cold.